And the Golden Balls Go To...

Last night as I watched the Academy Awards, I started to think...what if pro athletes were presented with their own version of the Oscars? Who would walk away with the biggest awards of the season? "And the Golden Balls Go To..."

Best Costume Design...
Now this is perhaps one of the toughest categories. Let me start by saying that Dennis Rodman set a precedence with his colorful artwork. You stepped things up for generations to come. In fact, I have been tempted to get my own tattoo over the years. I'm more a butterfly type of person, but unfortunately I hate needles. With that said, I have to give this one to Kenyon Martin due to his creative "cover up" of Trina's lips on his necks. What sweeter way to say "I loved you...once. Now bounce."

Runner Up: Birdman

Best Supporting Actor (Comedy)...
From this woman's perspective, the NBA is made up of a lot of clowns and no team illustrated this better than the Miami Heat in the off-season. I have so many characters to choose from here, but I would like to present this award to none other that Chris Bosh. Perhaps the most overrated player in the NBA, Bosh carries himself as though he should be the MVP this season. That attitude alone garners him this award.

Runner Up: Shaq. Because that dude is seriously funny

Best Supporting Actor (Drama)...
Look, I grew up watching soap operas, but this season in the NBA tops any episode of "Y&R," "General Hospital" or "Days of our Lives" I ever watched...even when the sad music was playing in the background because the Bo & Hope were getting divorced for the 6th time in 5 years. There just may be too many guys to chose from in this pool. However I must select one. Okay. I got it! Congratulations Rip Hamilton. 'Nuff said.

Runner Up: Gilbert Arenas. Come on now. Man up to your responsibilities.

I can feel the growing tension as I get to the final awards of the night. Hold your applause please until I get through them all.

Best Director...
Mark Cuban - come on down! As is the case with most men I have met, I cannot figure you out. However the one thing I can always count on is your ability to use public relations to manipulate any situation and create drama as a result. You don't even need to take two or three for that matter. You get it right the first time like clockwork.

Runner Up: Phillip. Namaste.

Okay. Best Actor, Comedy:
The winner of this prestigious award is none other than Lebron James for managing to make this league a joke all by himself (standing ovation in fact). Are you kidding me with "The Announcement?" What were you thinking?! "King James," it would do you good to learn a little bit about humility and gratitude. Because anytime I see you play, I reach for the Pepto Bismol.


Best Actor, Drama:
Warning: Now this one hurts a bit. However I have been watching this unfold all season. Who's jersey will this winner be wearing in December. January. February. Drum Roll please....Carmelo "I'm a Knick" Anthony. Oh Melo, it really did not need to go down like this. We loved you in Denver. But "As the Melo Turns" exhausted Nuggets Nation. It even messed up my social life for a bit (grrrr), but don't worry...I managed to really mess it up all by myself. It's really sad when your performance on/off the court comes to the point that all anyone is actually rooting for is for it to be over. Perhaps you will remember all we did for YOU my man and include us in your "Thank You" speech.

Runner Up: Lala. Do I really need to explain? Good luck with your reality show La!

And this concludes this year's "And the Golden Balls Go To..." Thank you. And please do not drink & drive.